When people talk or communicate in any other way than in-person, it’s easy to have misunderstandings. Tone of voice is missed, facial expressions and body language are missed, and there’s no immediate way to ask clarifying questions. 

After posting the blog of my story, I’ve received a few questions regarding what I shared. Now, if I had it my way, I’d share and answer all questions across the table at a coffee shop from each one of you. But alas, that’s simply not reality. Yes, I said “alas.” And for some reason that word reminds me of Albus Dumbledore. But anyway, onto the answers to some of your questions…

Were you suicidal?

In a word: no. I mentioned in my post that I had “dark thoughts.” I called them “dark thoughts” to differentiate them from suicidal thoughts. But now I’m realizing that could be confusing or misunderstood. However, experiencing dark thoughts has given me a whole new compassion and empathy for people who do have suicidal thoughts. Mental health can get dark and scary, and sometimes people see no other way out. 

Sharing the details of that day would be enough for another whole post, so the Reader’s Digest version is that in addition to my depression, I was working through multiple health issues last year. With those health issues came bills. Lots and lots of bills. And one day in September I found out yet another health issue was going to cost us thousands of dollars out of pocket. It broke me.

I had thoughts of “I’m costing my family so much money, they’d be better off without me,” “all my health issues are taking so much money away from my kids and their futures,” “this is too much,” etc. But my thoughts didn’t go as far as considering taking my own life. Talking through it with my counselor later, she was thankful to hear I hadn’t “made a plan” which is when dark thoughts turn into suicidal thoughts. 

In all honesty, my thoughts actually were more on running away. That sounds so juvenile, but in my emotionally overwhelmed mind, I thought if I just escaped all the hard by escaping to a new place, my family would save money without having to pay for me and my issues, and be better off. Like I said, juvenile and very illogical. But when your mind is in that state logic isn’t really happening.

In the end, I knew I would never do anything about my dark thoughts, whether escaping through distance or escaping through suicide. I love my husband and kids too much to put them through that kind of trauma. Thinking about them helped me remember I have reasons to push through. They make all the hardships worth it. So I asked for help because I knew it wasn’t just about me, it was also about two little boys who depend on me to be there for them until the day GOD decides it’s my time to go to Heaven.

Are you still struggling?

Mental health has no end destination. It has no “cure.” It’s a journey, and it’s something that will never completely go away. It may get better or worse at times, but I will never be completely “depression-free.” 

I’m very happy to be doing so well right now, thanks to being on the right meds, consistent counseling, a family who supported me, and friends who made my burden theirs. But there will most likely be days in my future when my depression rears its ugly head again. And when that day comes, I hope I can be just as honest and authentic in the hard as I am in the good.

Were/are you in counseling?

The answer to this question is a big, fat YES. I was and still am in counseling. I’ve “graduated” to once a month from once a week, but my counselor is one of the big reasons I’m where I am today.

I am a HUGE advocate for counseling. Or therapy as some people call it. Due to my parent’s divorce when I was younger, I’ve pretty much been in counseling off and on my whole life. And I have no shame about that.

Every single person on the face of the planet would gain so much from counseling. Especially after COVID. Especially in our current culture. Especially because we’re all human. Especially because whether you want to admit it or not, we all have issues. Maybe not diagnosable mental health “issues” but things that would be helped by talking through them with a professional.

I’ll step down off my soapbox now. But still. Counseling should be for EVERYONE. Ok, I’m really done now.

What was your family’s reaction or experience?

I plan to write an entire blog post together with Stuart about his experience over the last year, but in the meantime I can say it was just as hard for him as it was for me. He took on the tasks of both parents, giving me the space I needed to be struggle and work through the hard. It didn’t come naturally, and he’ll be the first to tell you that in the beginning, he didn’t understand my depression and found himself getting frustrated often. But he also met with our counselor and she helped him figure out ways to encourage me without pushing me, and being there for me in the midst of something he couldn’t understand.

A few years ago, I wrote an article for FamilyLife entitled, “How to Help a Spouse Struggling with Depression.” It helps the spouses of someone struggling with depression feel seen, even though they aren’t the one actually struggling. Because when you’re married to someone struggling with mental health, it’s your struggle too. It gives recommendations to spouses that they can do to help and understand their spouse without taking on so much that they burn out on life. 

So a deeper look into Stuart’s experience is coming, but in the meantime you can check out my FamilyLife article.

You seem really different now, what led to your “change?”

Yes, I definitely feel like the “old Jenn” again. My joyful, bubbly, silly self is back and I’ve missed her. So has my husband and so have my friends. One of my friends even said she could see a change in my countenance. It took months, and really hard internal work, but change did indeed happen. 

There was no quick fix, and no magic pill that “healed” me. (As I said, mental health can’t be cured.) It was a mix of many things. 

It was my husband learning how to love me the right way through my hard days.

It was my friends and community coming around us, loving me, encouraging us, and helping Stuart. A MealTrain was put together for us. I have the best friends. 

It was long distance friends and family sending cards or texts of encouragement. 

It was my mom and sister-in-law dropping everything and coming for a week to help out.

It was finally meeting with a Psychiatrist Nurse Practitioner to get on the correct medications for my body and mind. 

It was me realizing I needed more help.

It was registering myself for the Intensive Outpatient Program. Paying attention in class, being honest with the others in my group and putting the things I learned into practice. 

It was consistent counseling. 

It was my husband taking a medical leave from work for 3 months so he could have the energy and space to be both dad and mom some days. 

It was no longer taking Melatonin at night, and instead taking a light sleep aid prescribed by my doctor to get my sleep normalized. 

It was realizing things about myself and my job situations that weren’t working, and putting myself out there to try something new. And then realizing that that something new was exactly what I needed: substitute teaching at my boys’ school.

I’ll share more in the future about my personality type and why subbing is such a sweet spot for me. But for now I’ll just say that my personality type (laid back, not super self-motivated, people-oriented as opposed to task-oriented) needs structure and routine. And believe it or not, becoming a substitute teacher is the first time in my adult life that I’ve had a job that is structured, routine and gets me up and out of my house every day. (Plus the faculty and staff at my sons’ school are RAD, and I love working with them!)

So in summary, there is a lot more to my story than what I could share in one blog post. I plan to continue being vulnerable and authentic about my experiences with mental health, marriage and motherhood. And sometimes what I post may cause misunderstanding or a need for clarifying questions. If that ever happens, just reach out. We’ll chat. Or text. Or Facebook message. Or WhatsApp. Or Marco Polo. Or become pen pals. We can use the communication method of your choice. 

The easiest way to contact me, is to email me at hiitsmejennblog @ gmail.com (minus the spaces) or reach out on social media. My instagram handle is @heyjenngrand and you can click here to get to my Facebook page. But I’m always open to new ways of communicating! 

Until next time, 

Jenn

P.S. remember, I’m here to listen as well. So if you feel alone in a struggle, whether or not it’s mental health related, I’m always open to being a listening ear. No one should struggle alone. So if you need someone, let me be it. xoxo